Monday, November 07, 2005

Taking the kids for a walk

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Yesterday at the zoo I spent a good 20 minutes following around the Ass Family and their two young children. I was desperately trying to snap a photo of the lovely family. Granddaddy Ass, Grandma Ass, Uncle Ass, Aunt Ass, Daddy Ass, Mama Ass and the little Baby Butts.

Baby Butt 1 was about three years old, and Baby Butt 2 was around 15 months. Both the little Butts were on leashes. Baby Butt 2 could barely walk, and so it's not like she could run away. Baby Butt 1 was one of those uber large, clunky kids. Definitely not the tree climbing, running type. He would not have been hard to keep up with.

Why the leashes? Six adults. Two children under the age of 4. A zoo with no crowds. Again, why the leashes? And so, as I'm chasing this family around like I'm some sort of private investigator, I'm watching them very closely, and attempting to earjack their conversattions. And throughout all of this, I am trying to understand the need for the harnessing apparatus. I reached a few conclusions.

Granddaddy Ass was busy switching between his video camera and his 35mm. Oddly, Granddaddy Ass was not your typical doting grandfather. Not once during my observation gathering period did he film any of the children or any other family member. His lens was aimed at the elephant as it pooped monstrous yoga ball sized turds. I wonder if there's some sort of sexual fetish name attached to men who get off to photos of animals as they defecate.

Grandma Ass couldn't watch either of the children because she was too busy talking to Aunt and Uncle Ass about her new replacement windows. If you're in the market, Mr. Rogers Windows has the best prices.

Aunt and Uncle Ass were too busy being the couple that you pray will never reproduce. Sweating profusely Uncle Ass stared at nothing, and picked a zit on his face. Aunt Ass listend to Grandma Ass, and pulled her underwear out of her crack. Lovely couple.

Daddy Ass was holding onto Baby Butt 1, while trying to look cool in his Crocodile Hunter attire. I watched to see if he spoke to his child. Not once. I think I may have heard him do a little tap on his leg and heard a low whistle, when he started to walk toward the giraffe exhibit.

Mama Ass used the leash because she jsut couldn't be bothered. It would have been difficult to keep up with Baby Butt 2 between gulps from her super size coke, and handfuls of popcorn from the large bag she was walking around with. Can't let the kids interfere with our junkfood obsession, can we? Too bad she couldn't rig a small television on top of Baby Butt 2's head. That way she wouldn't have had to miss watching Patrick Swayze and Dirty Dancing for the 50th time.

I can't help but wonder what kind of exploratory experiences these kids are missing out on. My own four year old has been coming to this zoo long before he could walk. And once he could walk, he roamed on his own. If he wanted to spend twnety minutes looking at a stick, then so be it. If he wanted to run after a pigeon, and make it fly up in the air, then we smiled at his wonderment. How sad that these kids were missing that chance. The chance to climb on a bench, the chance to stare up at the sky, the chance to be chased by their parents as they giggled uncontrollably.

After watching the Ass Family on their zoo outing, I am now better able to understand why some people harness their children. It's not for the safety of their children. It's because they're a lazy bunch of Asses.

I did not get a picture.

dena at 7:25 PM



at 8:57 PM Blogger kenju said...

Very funny!! Make me glad I didn't go to the zoo, because you might have written about me.

at 9:33 PM Blogger buffi said...

How very sad. They need SuperNanny!

Carmi sent me. Sorry to hear about your crappy news. If you are still needing a good laugh, I posted a good joke earlier today.

I will be thinking of you & praying for you to get good news!

at 9:34 PM Blogger ~Cathy~ said...

The sad thing is the parents probably thought they were doing the kids a service by bringing them there. :(

at 10:26 PM Anonymous Mayberry said...

Good job describing the Ass Family. I totally have it pictured, or maybe it's that I've seen them around before.

at 10:35 PM Blogger Alisha said...

I hate those kid-leash things. Were the kids tugging and pulling? How sad. Those people need to get their asses off their shoulders.

at 6:17 AM Blogger The Mistress of the Dark said...

Those are the kind of people that should never reproduce. And of course they do.

But look at it this way, they amused you for awhile.

at 6:52 AM Blogger Karen said...

Too funny. Leashes on kids. Wacky!

Michele sent me...

at 7:52 AM Blogger Marisa said...

I once eyed those leashes in a store...and then it dawned on me that my children are not dogs.

Sad state...and these people are allowed to pro-create. Jeez!

Thanks for stopping by my blog. Hope you are laughing up a storm.

at 9:56 AM Blogger David said...

I had a fast two year old - now 20, and has his own blog - we used the leash thing once, and then just learned to keep up. What asses! and what great writing. you made me laugh and cry.
Think of it this way, they are keeping those kids safe til they are old enough to go on Jerry Springer. Ding!

at 10:17 AM Anonymous Deana said...

You are very funny, great writing!

at 10:34 AM Blogger Renee said...

Not too sure how I got here...accidentally clicking on another blog, but glad I did.

That's so sad about the kids on leashes thing. If any of the adults would pay attention to the kids there would be no need for leashes. Too bad that leashes didn't stay outlawed!

As a kid I had a friend who's parents used a leash on here... attached her to a clothesline. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??? I don't know if she turned out abnormal or not, but she had the harness hanging in her a thing to be treasured.

at 11:36 AM Blogger novaks8 said...

I am terrified of losing my kids but have never used a leash on them.
I have my own pet peeves...

Parents who berate and scream at their kids in front of others. They wouldn't dare talk to a stranger like that but they do it to their precious children.

Parents who smoke in the car with their children.
That crack in the window does nothing.
(my grandmother used to do it to me...I remember feeling like i was choking, probably why I have never smoked)

Oh I have to that one of the children or just a picture of a child on a leash?

at 11:44 AM Blogger Dirk the Feeble said...

Those kid leashes are like the most demeaning things ever.

at 5:52 AM Blogger Christine said...

I am sure this was a day out for the "kids". If you can't watch um,,,don't breed um

at 1:01 PM Blogger Mrs. Fun said...

okay, i am laughing so hard at their names.

at 7:16 PM Blogger Donyell said...

That is the most hilarious thing I've read in a long time!


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