Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Curious questions, creative answers

When I was in the hospital last week, I decided not to share the info with the majority of “real life” people. I told a few work acquaintances, a few close friends, and the people that read my blog. That’s how I roll. I really don’t want to go into a long dissertation about my medical condition with people like my neighbors, Mr. & Mrs. Perfection, The Bagel Snatcher, Mr. Poopy Pants, or the guy in the office who picks, picks, picks at his crotch when I am talking to him about concrete blankets.

But, now that I’ve returned to work, and the questions are flowing, I figured I may as well have fun with it.

Today at lunch, Misty and I decided to come up with a list of possible reasons for the bandaged wound on my neck.

Here are a few:

I was in the mall parking lot, loading my packages into the car at closing time, and I felt something cold on my neck. I felt the heavy, alcohol laden breath and heard a raspy male voice state, “Bitch, give me your money or I’ll cut your shit from one end to the other.” I chose to use my martial arts experience, but during the scuffle the knife slit the right side of my neck.”

I was mountain climbing over the weekend. During the night I heard some movement outside our tent, and I looked in the corner of the tent, and saw my husband crouched in the corner, crying like a little girl. I quickly ran out of the tent, and saw a large bear running off with our cooler. It was then that I jumped on the bear’s back, tackled him to the ground, but not before his huge claws skimmed the surface of my neck.

Shark attack!

A cockroach crawled down my throat, and embedded itself in my neck glands.

They found a small lump in my neck. When they opened up my neck it was discovered to be my unborn twin.

I could certainly use your help with a few more. Care to join in the fun?

dena at 2:35 PM

7comments

7 Comments

at 2:59 PM Anonymous said...: you have sharks???
personally, whenever possible, i would blame a shark.
at 3:28 PM soapbox.SUPERSTAR said...: I'm sticking to the attempted mugging/rape in the parking lot of the mall.

LOVE THE PICTURE YOU FOUND OF THE NECK WOUND!!!
at 4:09 PM Anonymous said...: How about the neighbours dog fought you for the paper and won?!
at 4:12 PM Anonymous said...: Some fool jumped you and you had to fight him off. You didn't get a good look at him, but as he ran away he kept yelling "I want my sunglasses back b*tch"
at 4:53 PM Anonymous said...: How about a bat attack? That you were out working in the yard and some crazy bat looking creature attacked you. You had to fight it off and go to the hospital from where it tore your neck. Especially tell this to your neighbors, their heads will be ducking and bobbing getting out from their cars in the evenings for weeks!
at 10:45 PM Your Mother said...: There is the tried and true "I burned it with my curling iron" or you could use the sucker line my mom took hook, line & sinker: Some boy threw an apple and it hit me in the neck and that is how I got this bruise.

Finally, my personal favorite, you and the hubby have joined the Buffy the Vampire Slayer club and he is the Vampire and had to practice. Things got out of hand.

(the sunglasses one is great though!)
at 6:41 AM The Mistress of the Dark said...: Oh man, someone stole my vampire idea! Though I have to admit to liking the shark attack!

About

Joyously roaming through life. Meeting its topographical challenges, and facing each with a sarcastic wit, and an impetuous need to face even more bumps, dips, pits and peaks. How the hell else did I end up with a 22 year old, a 20 year old and a 4 year old?