Friday, October 28, 2005

The Bagel Snatcher

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I work in an office, and Wednesday morning breakfasts are our big weekly event. Each Wednesday someone has the glory of bringing in breakfast. Everyone eats breakfast, but only about eight people bring it in. I'm one of the suckers that volunteered to feed the masses.

This past Wednesday was MY Wednesday. I tend to stop by some bagel shop or bakery, and bring bagels or fresh danish. Other women in our office actually make the stuff at home, and that usually involves that freakin' Egg/Cheese/Sausage casserole or the over-rated Cracker Barrel Hash Brown thingie. Whatever? I don't like to eat food from people whose homes I ever never entered. It's just the way I am. I think everyone should bring the bagels.

So, on Wednesday, I'm slicing my bagel, I put it on a plate next to the toaster. There are two people in front of me. And in walks "Smelly Girl", who I might add is gross and disgusting beyond the horrid odors she fills the hallways with. I also must add that she is the first to run to the breakroom for the breakfast, but does not participate in bringing the food. I think a description is in order:

Greasy, black hair stuck to her forehead. I think the one time she washed it her hair was actually a medium shade of brown. Black Mom Jeans, that end about 4 1/2 inches above her ankles. Black men's ankle socks that end about 2 inches before the jeans stop. A dirty red or white t-shirt with at least ten stains on the front. She wears either the black with red or black with white every single freakin' day. She smells like squirrel piss. (I can be coming down the hall, and catch a drift of her scent way before I see her. I turn, and run like hell.) And because her hair drips with grease, her skin is bad. She alwasy has these open pores on her face, surrounded by redness, and she picks at them while she converses with you. And she's a freakin' buttinski. Whatever you're talking about, here she comes adding a comment that you could give two flying f's about. For instance, I'll be talking about an upcoming Wine Festival, and she'll butt in with "Did you know that on this date three years ago, I wrote a check to Virginia Power for $123.12?"...What the fuck? Anyway, by now you should get the picture, and it's not pretty.

So, besides the annoying and disgusting traits above, "Smelly Girl" has poor bathroom hygiene. How do I know? Well, she leaves the bathroom with (and this gets disguting, so stop reading here if you get disgusted by bathroom talk) pee drops all over the seat, blood drops on the seat and on the floor, HUGE Kaka stains and Kaka remnant on the toilet. And I seriousuly think she uses her hands to wipe!!!

So, you can imagine my utter disgust when yesterday, she walks into the kitchen, eats two huge cream-filled donunts and continues to stand around staring at me, while I wait for the toaster to free up. I'm chatting with someone I like, and I hear "oh, is this ready to go in?", and I look and "Smelly Girl" is picking up my bagel and placing it in the toaster. She didn't even let me respond! I was starting to scream "Don't touch my bagel", and her no wiping, piss hands were all over my bagel. I bit my tongue, and held back the "Bitch, what the fuck are you doing? That's my bagel. You smelly disgusting whore!" But I smiled, took out my bagel, and said "Oh, this is an apple crunch bagel. Silly me. Here, why don't you have it?" And "Smelly Girl" smiled sweetly, grabbed the bagel, inhaled it, and said "Do you know the origin of the bagel?", and I quickly bolted.

I had no breakfast on Wednesday.

And one more thing about "Smelly Girl"...I've caught her stealing other people's food out fo the fridge on more than three occasions.

dena at 5:47 AM



at 6:33 AM Blogger The Mistress of the Dark said...

What a pig!

at 8:06 AM Blogger soapbox.SUPERSTAR said...


at 8:55 AM Anonymous mar said...

poor you! you have to see/smell her all working days. Couldn't the personnel dept do something about this in a diplomatic way? or simply in a direct way?

at 10:07 AM Blogger Dirk the Feeble said...

She sounds like a girl I used to date. Actually, more than one girl I used to date.

I feel your pain, though I'm much worse - I don't like it when CLEAN people touch my food. The squirrel piss-infested co-worker would be one dead ho if she put her shit-paws on my bagel.

at 10:42 AM Blogger Alisha said...

That's so nasty. Get her fired. Before the whole office comes down with E. coli!

at 10:57 AM Blogger utenzi said...

Michele sent me to you, Dena.

I'm lucky, I don't have anyone even remotely like that where I work. Most of the people here aren't even from this country, often places with lower standards of hygeine, and they'd never stoop that low. It must be very difficult to see her each day and not SCREAM! Good luck, Dena.

at 11:46 AM Blogger Cin said...

Hi Dena, Michele sent me. You have my sympathies - I think every office has one of these people in it. Except the one I'm in right now. Or maybe it's because I've become an antisocial git in my old age.

Hope your weekend is better.

at 12:47 PM Anonymous Deana said...

One thing I don't miss about work was the all important food day, our once a month b-day celeb. food day. I hated it because my office was closest to the food area. It smelled and the fattest people, on weight watchers, would come by fifty times with plates rolling over with food. And talk about how many points they were going through. I always wanted to say, "My god how can you not control yourselves any better than that?" I always wanted to boycott but got guilted out by my fellow employees.

at 2:30 PM Blogger jennyonthespot said...

I concur. Gross, unfortunate and irritating! Sorry you lost your bagel, but glad you were able to get away before learning the origin of the bagel!

Thanks for stopping by :o)

at 2:52 PM Blogger Chatty said...

OK, you know I would have said something. How fucking gross! I am shuddering! blech blech blech

at 6:44 PM Blogger zazzafooky said...

Ugh.. I'm so glad I telecommute. It's lonely as hell sometimes but at least I don't offend myself or have creepy people touching my food. Poor thing you.

at 8:58 PM Blogger puremood said...

Some one must stop her. That's just plain nasty.

I don't want anyone touching r drooling over my food, either. Ick

at 4:51 PM Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just opened your site, cant wait to read the story...

of course my little angel just walked in with a STINKY diaper so I will have to come back in 5!

Michele sent me

at 5:02 PM Blogger Carmi said...

Ew! I could tell stories about colleagues with whom I've worked, but I worry they'll find me online and hunt me down in real life.

Suffice to say I refuse to use any shared kitchen facilities wherever I work. I bring in my own mug, wash my own tupperware that I bring from home, leave nothing in the fridge, and hide my tea bags lest anyone get his/her grubby fingers on 'em.

at 5:08 PM Anonymous Anonymous said...


*remembering one thing that I don't miss about working outside the home*

I was at a dear friend's house today and her 3 year old (his Bday is on Monday so I guess he is still 2) was coughing up a storm with a runny nose.
She didnt tell him to cover his mouth.
What can you do?

I was sitting there thinking "Oh great! I know what I will be doing next week, wiping snotty noses and telling the kids to cover their mouths and wash their hands a million times"

But that story is just nasty.

How can people be So clueless?

at 8:10 PM Blogger WendyWings said...

Stories like this make me glad I don't work in an office. The only people who steal my food I gave birth too.
Michele sent me :)

at 1:38 PM Blogger honkeie2 said...

I work in an office and if it were not for ppl like this work would be kinda boring. Yes she is nasty but she sure makes for funny conversation. I have had a few nastiess, most of them were men though :-D

at 5:05 PM Blogger ginaangel77 said...

okay, i just ate lunch and i think i'm gonna vomit!


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